Chronically Cheerful #1 Happy New Year!

Cultivating self-compassion, cancelling plans, and worrying better.

Hi, reader! It’s Carolyn from Chronically Cheerful. Thanks for being here! Each issue, you can expect a few personal thoughts, shared links, and an answer to a reader-submitted question.

Those of us who struggle with wellbeing still deserve to be seen, heard and supported. That’s my mission for this newsletter: helping anyone with a different definition of health to navigate our kind of normal and feel more equipped to live well — even while feeling unwell.

Please let me know if this issue’s content resonates with you — or doesn’t! — and what you hope to see more of moving forward.

Happy New Year! You made it through 2020, and that is a huge accomplishment.

Typically, I begin each New Year by diving into resolutions. Yet this practice isn’t sitting right with me in 2021.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m the biggest believer in self-improvement, investing in your own growth, and building better relationships.

But in my experience, many resolutions like “worrying less” or “going to bed earlier” can quickly turn into an exercise rooted in self-criticism instead of self-empowerment. None of us need additional pressure to “feel better” faster, nor do we deserve to feel ashamed for any mental health struggles we might be facing...especially after the kind of year we’ve just had.

For me at least, 2020 introduced a lot of additional self-doubt and internal critique. Instead of being proud of how I navigated my personal challenges during the pandemic, I routinely wondered how I wasn’t coping “better,” why I wasn’t feeling more gratitude, and whether my contributions to the community fell short.

The last thing we need right now is to focus on our shortcomings instead of our strengths. 

I’ve realized it’s time to finally start cultivating more self-compassion to counter my self-criticism. When has being cruel to myself ever resulted in growth instead of guilt?

You might think being kind to oneself seems self-indulgent or weak, but it’s a scientifically proven secret to resilience, strength in the face of failure, the ability to learn from mistakes and to bounce back with greater enthusiasm. We strengthen self-compassion every time we are gentle with ourselves, work to see our mistakes non-judgmentally, and treat failure as a normal part of the larger human experience. 

In such difficult, dark times, it can be tempting to harden. Surprisingly, the softer we treat ourselves, the stronger and more resilient we become. 

For help getting started, I recommend turning to Dr. Kristen Neff, one of the world’s leading experts on mindful self-compassion. Check out her guided meditations and exercises for practical ways to bring more self-kindness into your everyday life.

Personally, I’m going to start by taking note of what circumstances lead to the most self-flagellation (high pain days, anyone?) and what techniques help me shift to a gentler mindset (like pretending as if I’m treating myself as a good friend).

Let us be surprised by the magic that unfolds when we stop pushing ourselves and others too hard. Remember: self-improvement shouldn’t come at the expense of acceptance.

Also, no matter what the media or various companies are preaching, you don’t need to change yourself to be enough.

I’d love to hear about your relationship to New Year’s resolutions this year. Are you making them? Why or why not?

Take care,

Carolyn

Q&A: Questions from the CC community

Q: How do you deal with feeling guilty for cancelling plans on high pain days? — @abigracewilliams

A: Sigh, trying to maintain a social life with chronic illness is NOT easy. Here are some suggestions for managing the guilt that can pop up when you need to cancel or reschedule plans:

• In advance of the event or plans, communicate with the people involved. Proactively let your friend know that you are really looking forward to/hoping to make it, but there might be a chance your body won’t cooperate. This way, you’re reminding them that it’s not YOU who is unreliable — it’s your condition/symptoms!

• On the day of, try give advance notice. I know, this can be so hard!!! Symptoms often ebb and flow and we want to remain hopeful until the last possible minute. But the earlier warning you can give someone, the more likely they will be understanding.

• When you do cancel, try using language based around “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry.” This is an empowering way to remind yourself that canceling is not your fault. I’ve said things like, “I had really hoped we could do X today, but unfortunately my pain is super high and I won’t be able to make it. Thank you SO much for understanding. Rain check??”

• If you can, check in with someone else who can validate your experience. I love reaching out to someone else in the chronic community just to say quickly, “I had to cancel plans again,” and they can respond with a simple, “That sucks!! How are you feeling?”

• Remember: high pain days are a regular staple of life with chronic illness. You don’t have control over when they occur! If you’re still steeped in guilt, try writing out affirmations like, “I managed this situation the best I could. My pain is not my fault and does not make me a bad friend.”

Try This

“How to Worry More Mindfully” by Jenny Taitz

Did you know you can worry — with intention? Here are some evidence-based strategies to find clarity when everything feels overwhelming. I’m definitely going to try making a “worry appointment”!

Read This

Please delight in reading poet Cleo Wade’s first long-form poem since 2016, “It is okay (a poem of validation for the year 2020).” This poem brought me a lot of comfort at the end of 2020, but I think it has a special place at the beginning of a New Year, too.

It is okay if you felt overwhelmed by grief, loss, sadness, confusion, and fatigue – we all felt some version of these and if you are reading this right now,

you made it through.

It is okay to close your eyes and say to yourself,

I am a strong, resilient, badass.

It is okay if, after you said that, you opened your eyes and still felt worried

I worry too.

It is okay to stop everything for five minutes, put on your favorite song, and dance with your family or by your damn self.

It is okay to find joy in the midst of darkness

It is okay, to sit down and just

breathe.

Consider This

Remind Yourself of This